324 - King Donald Reveals All

Greenland, Panama, Canada

"Grabbing Greenland appeals to me enormously," he told me. "It is 836,000 square miles in size and I can strip off the ice and build many super golf courses." "I also need something that will keep my sons and Steve Bannon busy." "Greenland should give them room to play, and my sons can build big hotel resorts." "Anyway," he continued explaining, "it’s empty. So that makes it perfect for development, for oil drilling, for the exploitation of minerals -- all without environmentalists yapping and people claiming NIMBY rights." "Moreover, where better can I put all of those millions of illegals I am about to deport. Serve them right to be cold."

But the 56,000 Inuit residents of Greenland don't want American oversight, I said. It is a sovereign place, possibly on the verge of independence. Anyway, Greenland has been controlled by Denmark ever since Viking times. "Easy," King Trump replied, "I'm a big deal maker and I go, king to king, to Denmark's royal house and put down a bid that the king of Denmark is destined to take if it is big enough. All those ice cubes can't be that expensive. After all, if we purchased Louisiana and those backwoods places in Jefferson's day, why not add Greenland? It would round out our possessions nicely and put my name permanently in the history books." "Musk will help me buy it." "Also, there would be room for all of the windmills that I am going to banish from American waters, plus the deportees that Biden tried to save. Ha!"

But Denmark and the Indigenous inhabitants of Greenland want no one disturbing their glaciers and their frigid life, I said. According to Greenland's elected leader, "Greenland is for the Greenlandic people...We do not want to be American." The Greenlanders like Denmark's social safety net. "No matter," King Donald said. "I'll tariff the hell out of Denmark. That is what tariffs are for. Ozempic and those other Novo-Nordisk drugs will have to pay more to get into the U.S. And just look at how much extra Lego will have to pay to ship their precious little plastic click-in parts to us!" "Tariffs are useful in getting what I want. I love tariffs."

"Europe will complain," he admitted. "But I have to teach them what the U.S. wants the U.S. gets. And if they argue and try to retaliate, I'll just open the door to Putin and say come get the suckers." "Zelensky is going to have to cower and answer well, too. I can't have wars all over the place."

But what about your threats to Greenland, Mexico, and Canada, I asked innocently. "I have to scare the weenies," he replied. "I have to make them understand that I'm the boss. Putin and Xi Jinping think they are my equal, but I have got to stand tall and try to appear as tough as they are. That's why Greenland is such an easy target and why I keep using the national security excuse to provide cover for a routine flexing of my muscles."

"I also want the Panama Canal back. We took the land from them fair and square. We constructed it. We ran it. Carter had no reason to give it back to Panama even if the Panamanians claim that we stole the land unfairly and they provided all of the labor as well as the land and water. Some people say China only manages the ports at either end, but I don't want China anywhere near the canal. I need to threaten to force them out in order to gain deal making leverage against Xi. Otherwise, he won't listen. Also, if we take the canal back by twisting Panama's arm hard then I can build hotels all over the Canal Zone." “Money coming in to Trump Inc. is a good thing, especially for me.”

You've also threatened the neighbors that are our major trading partners and with whom we have a negotiated and signed a pact. "Sure," he said. "But the arrangements I made before are out of date. I want to rename it the Gulf of America. Enough of pandering to Mexico. And if they can't stop fentanyl from being manufactured in Sinaloa and shipped into the U.S. to kill my voters I have to impose really big tariffs to keep them in line."

"Some people say that tariffs will only make products more costly for Americans, but that's not true. And people -- mostly Democrats -- claim that tariffs will bring inflation back. But I am not going to allow inflation. It is not allowed."

“I think Canadians would be better off as a fifty-first state. They would be able to abandon their socialized medicine and benefit from our more available even if somewhat more costly services. They would enjoy having a president --me -- instead of a king who lives faraway and never visits. We'd abolish the border so that illegal immigrants would have to enter Canada from the Arctic. That will show them! If polar bears don't eat escapees from Middle East and African oppression, then they would simply freeze. It's a good solution, don't you think?" And people from Quebec could go speak French in the bayous of Louisiana if they needed to."

What about those unusual personnel appointments, I asked. You nominated relatives by marriage, Republican losing candidates, lots of questionable business persons, a clutch of tv personalities, and no one with any experience running anything. Isn't governing going to be difficult?

"No," he replied. "I've appointed a bunch of low-maintenance types who know that they have to be loyal to me. They will know to be supine, just like Bezos and Cook. So, if I tell the Secretary of Defense to bomb Pyongyang, he just will. If I tell the Attorney General to indict Hillary Clinton, she will. There is lots of retribution that needs to be accomplished. I deserve generals who will declare an insurrection when I want one -- perhaps when Congress or some state strays out of line. And I can't stomach opposition at this stage. I am getting old and my rambling and mumbling are off track too often. They even get on my own nerves. I am also getting cranky because Melania has a book coming out. The nerve! But I can't have anyone in this new administration of mine who will talk sense, or tell me something is illegal. Or even warn me not to agitate the Danes, other Europeans, or fight with Ottawa and Mexico City. At least I got rid of that smarmy Trudeau. He so reminds me of noxious Newsom."